posted January 05, 2002 08:08 PM            

On a lighter note...
=================================
"Watching You..."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

posted January 06, 2002 02:42 AM            

REPEAT AFTER ME. READY?

"I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or
lose my mailing list if I DON'T forward an
e-mail. I will NOT hear any music, see a taco
dog, or see a cool pop-up screen if DO forward an
e-mail.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money,
Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a
gift certificate they're supposed to send me and
Ford will not give me a 50% discount even if I
have forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people.

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons,
or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old
Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10
people who don't know who I am anyway.

My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I
forward an e-mail. There is NO SUCH THING as an
e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID
enough to think that someone will send me $100
for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people.

There is no kid with cancer through the Make a
Wish program in England collecting anything. He
did when he was 7 yrs old. He is now cancer
free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANYMORE
POST CARDS, CALLING CARDS or GET WELL CARDS!

The government does not have a bill in congress
called 901B (or whatever they named it this week)
that if passed will enable them to charge us 5
cents for every sent e-mail.

The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents
to a certain individual dying of some never heard
of before disease for every e-mail address I send
this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations, they don't donate!

And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into
sending things onto my friends for fear they will
think I am not their friend ... or by telling me
I have no conscience or don't believe in JESUS!!

If God wants to send me a message, I believe the
bushes in my yard will burn before HE picks up a
PC to pass it along ... but even if it does come
by e-mail, HE will send me one at which point
I'm sure I will know it will be from HIM. AND if
HE does, I'm sure HE will care enough to delete
all those annoying forwards inside it!"

posted January 06, 2002 02:48 AM            

OK, here is my answer to some of the "forward" chain letters that I get and I do NOT forward !!!!

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body.

It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.

Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA.

With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the

angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors.

The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.

Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me.

Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head.

She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,

Billy "Smiles" Evans

posted January 06, 2002 01:01 PM            

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
* Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
* Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
* Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

posted January 06, 2002 03:54 PM              

Dunno, National Inquirer might be better...

posted January 06, 2002 04:04 PM            

I don't know what that means, but some dude jogging across America said that to me once.

posted January 06, 2002 08:40 PM            

8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day.

"Mommy," says the little Mary, "How old are you?"

"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is."

"Why not?" demands the child.

"Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're grown-up."

"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"

"Never mind," answers the mother.

"Why can't you tell me?"

"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh."

"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?"

"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "That's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now."

A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at chool. The friend explains how to overcome these problems.

"All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need."

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her Mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are! You are 35!"

The mother is very surprised.

"And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?" The mother is shocked.

"And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

The mother, dumbfounded asked, "Why?"

posted January 06, 2002 08:44 PM            

These are things people actually said in court, word for word....

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this person male or female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth
and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", But", "The",
"Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

posted January 08, 2002 01:05 AM            

The 7 dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Dopey replies,

"excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

posted January 08, 2002 01:10 AM            

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the boy in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$175.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$375.00"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$550.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that; that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

posted January 08, 2002 01:52 PM            

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "anyone at all who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But, he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

posted January 11, 2002 12:09 AM            

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT
THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON"
DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. Magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD
SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

posted January 11, 2002 12:13 AM            

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,"I'll just
have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a
big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter
says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

7. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

8. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

9. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always
have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of
he work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out
of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made
with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular
time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut
daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri,
doc."

10. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a
book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced
on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle
knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

11. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

posted January 15, 2002 11:16 PM            

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

------------

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

posted January 16, 2002 11:47 AM            

"The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard."
-Jay Leno

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
-Jay Leno

"President Bush continues to have the highest popularity rating of any president ever, current rating 130 percent... In fact, Al Gore carries a picture of Bush and him at the debates and says, 'Yeah, I know him. We used to hang out.'"
-Jay Leno

"Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I said, 'I don't know, let's find out.'"
-Don Imus

"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three."
-David Letterman

"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry."
-Jay Leno

"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again."
-Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient with the war on terrorism. I think we're pretty patient. Election day took what, three months?"
-Jay Leno

"New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani is lobbying now to stay in office another three months. And today Clinton said, 'You can do that?'"
-Jay Leno

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time."
-Jay Leno

"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern."
-David Letterman

"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box."
-Jay Leno

"More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's 6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie."
-Jay Leno

"The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night."
-Jay Leno

"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
-Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Time Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID."
-David Letterman

"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again."
-Jay Leno

"Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you know who also deserves a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole. Her husband is on Viagra and he's gone on the road with Bill Clinton - that is one trusting woman."
-JayLeno

"It's a tough time to do humor, but it's not the only tough time. There have been other tough stretches in comedy. Remember a couple of years ago when President Clinton stopped dating for a couple of weeks?"
-Jay Leno

"Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
-Jay Leno

"People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And I have to be honest it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea Stadium, instead of yelling 'You suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are better than you!'"
-Conan O'Brien

posted January 18, 2002 11:15 AM            

1. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

2. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on pans?

3. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

4. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

5. What's another word for thesaurus?

6. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

7. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

8. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

9. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

10. When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?

11. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank ATMs?

12. How did a fool and his money get together, anyway?

13. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream containers?

15. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

18. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

19. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

20. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

21. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

posted January 19, 2002 05:38 PM            

You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into
being, like "Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes" and
"Remember the Alamo" and so on. A lot of people asked me where the
saying "You gotta be sh!ttin me" came from. It so happens I know.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his
troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and
storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth. Finally
Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the
boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could
see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the
lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw
Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his

troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail
. All of them felt terrible for the Corporal had been one their
favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet
and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must
go on.

An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of his
men said,"General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the
woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden
in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all
his men standing there. A huge smile came across her face to see so
many men at her door.

Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are
my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and
comfort for a while.

Again the Madam looked at all the men and with a broad smile on her
face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can
surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington said " Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without
Peters."

Madam said, "You gotta be sh!ttin me !"

--

posted January 20, 2002 12:20 AM              

- juju

posted January 20, 2002 12:33 AM            

..."turdoid"...

hhahahhahAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHHAHAH
HAHAHAHHAHAHAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

posted January 20, 2002 11:06 PM              

We need some air freshener....

We really need s......

posted January 23, 2002 05:45 PM            

I missed this one, Sooky!

Maybe the following female news anchor was talking about the turdoid...?
=================================
“The Weather”

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks...

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

posted January 23, 2002 09:40 PM              

- juju

edit: here is another link - Egon!

posted January 24, 2002 03:49 PM            

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes! Life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

posted January 24, 2002 04:58 PM              

Subject: AAADD

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes.....

I decide to wash the car, start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car...
BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk....
BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's only one check
left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there's my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks...
BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away...
BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...
BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: car not washed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys; and, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...
BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.

posted January 24, 2002 11:36 PM            

And now for some...
=================================
"Mergers"

With the market in the turmoil that it is, these mergers may
not be too far-fetched...

W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS,
& HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS - The company will be called
"Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace"

KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR
WOMEN - The new company will be called "Knott NOW"

XEROX and WURLITZER - They're going to make reproductive
organs

FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS -
The new company will be called "Fairwell Honeychild"

POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER -
will be called "Poly-Warner-Cracker"

3M and GOODYEAR - "MMM Good"

HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL - "Honey, I'm Home"

DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING - "Mine All Mine"

3-COM, JC PENNEY and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA
COMPANY - "3 Penney Opera"

GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS - "Poupon Pants"

posted January 25, 2002 04:23 AM              

---------------------------------------
On a Sear's hairdryer
"Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap
"Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom)
"Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
"Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron
"Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid
"Warning May cause drowsiness."

On most brands of Christmas lights
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor
"Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts
"Warning contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts
"Instructions Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's superman costume
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

posted February 06, 2002 07:02 PM            

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home.
"I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I' m afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"
He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -- three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy -- for birth control.

posted February 07, 2002 10:32 AM            

First some economics fundamentals

Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both, denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Now Enron Venture Capitalism

posted February 18, 2002 08:53 PM              

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!

posted February 19, 2002 06:08 PM            

A News Break!

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool." THE AXIS PANDEMIC International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis Of Countries That Want to Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we'd like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

posted February 28, 2002 10:02 AM            

From The Original Hollywood Squares TV Show. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now. (Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.)

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes . . .

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting, "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcée.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.